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BELATED GOOD WISHES FOR 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE.
I KNOW, SHOCKER THAT THE FIRST THING I TYPED WASN'T A SERIES OF FUCKWORDS STRUNG TOGETHER IN INCOHERENT RAGE.
ANYONE READING THIS BETTER SIT THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE THE SURPRISES ONLY CONTINUE
I'M ABOUT TO GET ALL SORTS OF SENTIMENTAL UP IN HERE.
WAIT LET ME GIVE PAUSE TO HATE MYSELF FOR USING THE PHRASE "UP IN HERE."
OKAY DONE.
NOW THAT I'VE SET UP THIS MEMO, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHERE TO BEGIN.
THE EVENING WENT BY RELATIVELY PEACEFULLY AND GIFT EXCHANGE WENT SMOOTHLY.
FOR ONCE, I'M NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN.
I DON'T EVEN THINK I HAVE ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS HOLIDAY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
THAT NIGHT, I WAS THINKING BACK TO A CONVERSATION I HAD WITH KANAYA.
EVEN ADMIST THE CLUSTERFUCK OF OUR RESPECTIVE TIMELINES AND ALL THE SHIT THAT'S GONE DOWN SINCE
IT'S SORTA HARD TO FORGET THOSE KINDS OF MOMENTS.
I'D SAID THAT THE LAST TIME THAT I WAS HAPPY WAS 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE, BEFORE ALL THE STUFF WITH SBGRUB STARTED.
THAT WAS BACK WHEN MY LUSUS WAS STILL ALIVE AND ALTERNIA WASN'T ON THE BRINK OF DESTRUCTION.
AS FUCKING RETARDED AS THIS SOUNDS, I THINK IT WAS THE PEACE OF THE HOLIDAY THAT I ENJOYED.
THERE WASN'T ANY FUCKING WORRY OR OBLIGATIONS, IT WAS JUST ME AND MY LUSUS, AND THE OCCASIONAL WELL WISHES AND DEATH THREATS TO MY LEGION OF MORONIC FRIENDS.
BUT I WAS DEFINITELY HAPPY. I KNOW THAT MUCH.
THEN THE REALIZATION CAME THAT I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT EVER AGAIN.
NONE OF US ARE.
LOOKING BACK, I WANT TO SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF MY PAST SELF FOR NOT APPRECIATING THE SIMPLICITY OF HIS LIFE.
HE HAD AMBITION AND FUCKING ASPIRATIONS BEYOND SURVIVING TO THE NEXT DAY.
IT'S WEIRD TO THINK THAT I ACTUALLY HAD ASPIRATIONS FOR A FUTURE WHERE ALTERNIA WASN'T DESTROYED AND I COULD JOIN THE IMPERIAL ARMY.
BUT I SUPPOSE HINDSIGHT IS TRULY AN IRRITABLE BITCH.
I DON'T ENTIRELY RUE THE FACT THAT LIFE HAS SORTA GONE DOWN THE LOADGAPER, BUT I DEFINITELY REGRET THAT I HAD NO GODDAMN APPRECIATION FOR WHAT I HAD.
WHAT AN IGNORANT LITTLE FUCK I WAS.
LET ME REITERATE:
MY PAST SELF IS THE MOST JUVENILE, SORRY EXCUSE OF A SENTIENT CREATURE I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING.
IN THE SPIRIT OF MY UNAPPRECIATIVE PAST SELF, I'LL START BY APPRECIATING ONE GLORIOUS THING I HAVE NOW:
THE INABILITY FOR MY PAST SELF TO REPLY TO CURRENT AND FUTURE MEMOS.
SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT GUY.
SHIT I'M JUST JUMPING AROUND FROM SUBJECT TO SUBJECT HERE.
IS ANYONE EVEN READING THIS?
AT THIS POINT I ALMOST HOPE NOT.
I ACTUALLY JUST MOVED ROOMS SO THAT THE ASSHOLE IN THE LIVING ROOM WON'T SEE ME CHOKED UP.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I'M CRYING FOR AT THIS POINT.
I'VE DONE MY MOURNING FOR MY LUSUS AND, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, I DON'T THINK I'D RETURN TO ALTERNIA EVEN IF THE OPTION EXISTED.
SO... MAYBE I'M MOURNING MY OWN HAPPINESS.
THAT IS A SAD FUCKING STATE OF AFFAIRS, WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE SEWER.
I'M NOT THE PRINCE OF FUCKING HOPE, AND I'VE NEVER EXACTLY BEEN AN OPTIMIST.
REALISTICALLY IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE WHEN I'LL BE HAPPY NEXT.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THOSE FLEETING MOMENTS WHERE YOU FEEL ELATED AT CERTAIN EVENTS GOING IN YOUR FAVOR.
I MEAN THE ABILITY TO SIT AROUND AND THINK "LIFE'S NOT SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT."
IT'S NOT AN UNREASONABLE DESIRE.
THIS BRINGS ME TO MY FINAL THOUGHTS:
I KNOW WITH ALL THE DOOMED TIMELINES, THE SCRATCH, JACK NOIR, EVERYTHING GOING ON BACK IN OUR UNIVERSE THAT PROSPECTS LOOK PRETTY FUCKING GRIM AND IT'S THEREFORE UNDERSTANDABLE TO HAVE THE QUESTION OF WHEN I'LL BE HAPPY NEXT.
OR WHEN WE'LL BE HAPPY NEXT. ALL OF MY FRIENDS.
EXCEPT MAYBE JOHN BECAUSE HE HAS THIS WEIRD FUCKING ABILITY TO FIND LIGHT IN EVEN THE SHITTIEST CIRCUMSTANCES.
BUT ANYWAY
THE QUESTION AROSE OF WHETHER I CAN BE HAPPY HERE.
YES, I MEAN THIS TRAINWRECK OF A UNIVERSE.
AND... I DON'T KNOW, IT'S HARD TO MEASURE WHAT WILL MAKE THINGS ALRIGHT AGAIN GIVEN THE SITUATION BACK HOME IN ADDITION TO THE TRIALS OF BEING BROUGHT HERE.
BUT AS I SCAVENGED FOR GIFTS FOR YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS
I SORTA HAD THIS FEELING OF PEACE AND CONTENTMENT.
CALL ME WEAK, BUT IT WAS NICE TO JUST LOOK FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME WITH WHAT CRAZY COMMPANIONS I HAVE HERE AND HAVE NO IMMEDIATE WORRIES.
NO TIMELINES TO ABIDE BY, NO PLANS TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER, NOTHING TO CAUSE ANY LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES.
SO
I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD REALLY BE HAPPY GIVEN ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY EXISTENCE
BUT THERE'S SOME EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME THAT DON'T FUCKING SUCK.
CONTENTMENT IS A GOOD MIDDLE GROUND.
GOTTA LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.
NOW THAT MY GANDERBULBS ARE DRYING AND MUCUS HAS CEASED TO POUR FORTH FROM MY OLFACTORY SENSILLA LIKE A RUPTURED ABSCESS BLEEDS TOXINS INTO THE BODY
I CAN REPORT ON THE TERRIBLE FINDING I STUMBLED UPON YESTERDAY.
AND BY THAT I MEAN I FOUND FRANCE.
WHOEVER'S LUSUS OR MATESPRIT HE IS, COME GET HIM AT MARSHALL 105.
HE'S SHEDDING HIS HUSK ALL OVER MY FUCKING FLOOR AND SPEAKING AT ME IN WORDS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I TRIED LOOKING IN THAT HUMAN ANATOMY BOOK ABOUT WHETHER IT'S NORMAL OR NOT FOR HUMAN SKIN TO TURN BLACK AND PURPLE
BUT I GOT BORED SO I ASSUME THIS IS A NATURAL PART OF YOUR MOLTING PROCESS IN THE WINTER MONTHS.
JUST KEEP IT OUT OF MY HIVE.
ALSO EMPIRE OF THE RISING SANDWICH FACTORY,
I THINK HE'S HUNGRY. I HAVEN'T REALLY FED HIM SINCE HE'S NOT MY LUSUS.
IF YOU'RE IN THE VICINITY, GIVE HIM SOME OF THAT MISO SHIT
AND MAKE SURE YOU GUARD THE FOOD.
THERE IS A RAVENOUS SHEMONSTER THAT EATS FUCKING EVERYTHING IN THIS HIVE.
IF I DISAPPEAR ONE DAY, CHECK HER GULLET.
(( OOC: apologies about any layout difficulties! a backup post at Dreamwidth is here in case anyone is more comfortable responding there/since it's easier to read there )))
I KNOW, SHOCKER THAT THE FIRST THING I TYPED WASN'T A SERIES OF FUCKWORDS STRUNG TOGETHER IN INCOHERENT RAGE.
ANYONE READING THIS BETTER SIT THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE THE SURPRISES ONLY CONTINUE
I'M ABOUT TO GET ALL SORTS OF SENTIMENTAL UP IN HERE.
WAIT LET ME GIVE PAUSE TO HATE MYSELF FOR USING THE PHRASE "UP IN HERE."
OKAY DONE.
NOW THAT I'VE SET UP THIS MEMO, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHERE TO BEGIN.
THE EVENING WENT BY RELATIVELY PEACEFULLY AND GIFT EXCHANGE WENT SMOOTHLY.
FOR ONCE, I'M NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN.
I DON'T EVEN THINK I HAVE ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS HOLIDAY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
THAT NIGHT, I WAS THINKING BACK TO A CONVERSATION I HAD WITH KANAYA.
EVEN ADMIST THE CLUSTERFUCK OF OUR RESPECTIVE TIMELINES AND ALL THE SHIT THAT'S GONE DOWN SINCE
IT'S SORTA HARD TO FORGET THOSE KINDS OF MOMENTS.
I'D SAID THAT THE LAST TIME THAT I WAS HAPPY WAS 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE, BEFORE ALL THE STUFF WITH SBGRUB STARTED.
THAT WAS BACK WHEN MY LUSUS WAS STILL ALIVE AND ALTERNIA WASN'T ON THE BRINK OF DESTRUCTION.
AS FUCKING RETARDED AS THIS SOUNDS, I THINK IT WAS THE PEACE OF THE HOLIDAY THAT I ENJOYED.
THERE WASN'T ANY FUCKING WORRY OR OBLIGATIONS, IT WAS JUST ME AND MY LUSUS, AND THE OCCASIONAL WELL WISHES AND DEATH THREATS TO MY LEGION OF MORONIC FRIENDS.
BUT I WAS DEFINITELY HAPPY. I KNOW THAT MUCH.
THEN THE REALIZATION CAME THAT I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT EVER AGAIN.
NONE OF US ARE.
LOOKING BACK, I WANT TO SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF MY PAST SELF FOR NOT APPRECIATING THE SIMPLICITY OF HIS LIFE.
HE HAD AMBITION AND FUCKING ASPIRATIONS BEYOND SURVIVING TO THE NEXT DAY.
IT'S WEIRD TO THINK THAT I ACTUALLY HAD ASPIRATIONS FOR A FUTURE WHERE ALTERNIA WASN'T DESTROYED AND I COULD JOIN THE IMPERIAL ARMY.
BUT I SUPPOSE HINDSIGHT IS TRULY AN IRRITABLE BITCH.
I DON'T ENTIRELY RUE THE FACT THAT LIFE HAS SORTA GONE DOWN THE LOADGAPER, BUT I DEFINITELY REGRET THAT I HAD NO GODDAMN APPRECIATION FOR WHAT I HAD.
WHAT AN IGNORANT LITTLE FUCK I WAS.
LET ME REITERATE:
MY PAST SELF IS THE MOST JUVENILE, SORRY EXCUSE OF A SENTIENT CREATURE I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING.
IN THE SPIRIT OF MY UNAPPRECIATIVE PAST SELF, I'LL START BY APPRECIATING ONE GLORIOUS THING I HAVE NOW:
THE INABILITY FOR MY PAST SELF TO REPLY TO CURRENT AND FUTURE MEMOS.
SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT GUY.
SHIT I'M JUST JUMPING AROUND FROM SUBJECT TO SUBJECT HERE.
IS ANYONE EVEN READING THIS?
AT THIS POINT I ALMOST HOPE NOT.
I ACTUALLY JUST MOVED ROOMS SO THAT THE ASSHOLE IN THE LIVING ROOM WON'T SEE ME CHOKED UP.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I'M CRYING FOR AT THIS POINT.
I'VE DONE MY MOURNING FOR MY LUSUS AND, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, I DON'T THINK I'D RETURN TO ALTERNIA EVEN IF THE OPTION EXISTED.
SO... MAYBE I'M MOURNING MY OWN HAPPINESS.
THAT IS A SAD FUCKING STATE OF AFFAIRS, WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE SEWER.
I'M NOT THE PRINCE OF FUCKING HOPE, AND I'VE NEVER EXACTLY BEEN AN OPTIMIST.
REALISTICALLY IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE WHEN I'LL BE HAPPY NEXT.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THOSE FLEETING MOMENTS WHERE YOU FEEL ELATED AT CERTAIN EVENTS GOING IN YOUR FAVOR.
I MEAN THE ABILITY TO SIT AROUND AND THINK "LIFE'S NOT SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT."
IT'S NOT AN UNREASONABLE DESIRE.
THIS BRINGS ME TO MY FINAL THOUGHTS:
I KNOW WITH ALL THE DOOMED TIMELINES, THE SCRATCH, JACK NOIR, EVERYTHING GOING ON BACK IN OUR UNIVERSE THAT PROSPECTS LOOK PRETTY FUCKING GRIM AND IT'S THEREFORE UNDERSTANDABLE TO HAVE THE QUESTION OF WHEN I'LL BE HAPPY NEXT.
OR WHEN WE'LL BE HAPPY NEXT. ALL OF MY FRIENDS.
EXCEPT MAYBE JOHN BECAUSE HE HAS THIS WEIRD FUCKING ABILITY TO FIND LIGHT IN EVEN THE SHITTIEST CIRCUMSTANCES.
BUT ANYWAY
THE QUESTION AROSE OF WHETHER I CAN BE HAPPY HERE.
YES, I MEAN THIS TRAINWRECK OF A UNIVERSE.
AND... I DON'T KNOW, IT'S HARD TO MEASURE WHAT WILL MAKE THINGS ALRIGHT AGAIN GIVEN THE SITUATION BACK HOME IN ADDITION TO THE TRIALS OF BEING BROUGHT HERE.
BUT AS I SCAVENGED FOR GIFTS FOR YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS
I SORTA HAD THIS FEELING OF PEACE AND CONTENTMENT.
CALL ME WEAK, BUT IT WAS NICE TO JUST LOOK FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME WITH WHAT CRAZY COMMPANIONS I HAVE HERE AND HAVE NO IMMEDIATE WORRIES.
NO TIMELINES TO ABIDE BY, NO PLANS TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER, NOTHING TO CAUSE ANY LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES.
SO
I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD REALLY BE HAPPY GIVEN ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY EXISTENCE
BUT THERE'S SOME EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME THAT DON'T FUCKING SUCK.
CONTENTMENT IS A GOOD MIDDLE GROUND.
GOTTA LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.
NOW THAT MY GANDERBULBS ARE DRYING AND MUCUS HAS CEASED TO POUR FORTH FROM MY OLFACTORY SENSILLA LIKE A RUPTURED ABSCESS BLEEDS TOXINS INTO THE BODY
I CAN REPORT ON THE TERRIBLE FINDING I STUMBLED UPON YESTERDAY.
AND BY THAT I MEAN I FOUND FRANCE.
WHOEVER'S LUSUS OR MATESPRIT HE IS, COME GET HIM AT MARSHALL 105.
HE'S SHEDDING HIS HUSK ALL OVER MY FUCKING FLOOR AND SPEAKING AT ME IN WORDS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I TRIED LOOKING IN THAT HUMAN ANATOMY BOOK ABOUT WHETHER IT'S NORMAL OR NOT FOR HUMAN SKIN TO TURN BLACK AND PURPLE
BUT I GOT BORED SO I ASSUME THIS IS A NATURAL PART OF YOUR MOLTING PROCESS IN THE WINTER MONTHS.
JUST KEEP IT OUT OF MY HIVE.
ALSO EMPIRE OF THE RISING SANDWICH FACTORY,
I THINK HE'S HUNGRY. I HAVEN'T REALLY FED HIM SINCE HE'S NOT MY LUSUS.
IF YOU'RE IN THE VICINITY, GIVE HIM SOME OF THAT MISO SHIT
AND MAKE SURE YOU GUARD THE FOOD.
THERE IS A RAVENOUS SHEMONSTER THAT EATS FUCKING EVERYTHING IN THIS HIVE.
IF I DISAPPEAR ONE DAY, CHECK HER GULLET.
(( OOC: apologies about any layout difficulties! a backup post at Dreamwidth is here in case anyone is more comfortable responding there/since it's easier to read there )))
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